Me in Grey's. Almost

So today I went running with a friend of mine, and we run up this hill that was so steep that on the way down I got a terrible pain in my side. Familiar to runners, yes. But it hurt so bad that I started to think that I had appendicitis. So then I thought that if I did, first of all I was right next to the hospital, and second - I could be just like Meredith! Burst appendix during my residency, forced to undergo surgery in the hospital where I work. I was already composing an email to my friends. But then it went away and I knew that, unsurprisingly, it was just a stitch in my side.
Thought the blog could use something a bit lighter.

Thought for the day from an outside contributor:
God's love can complete us, and if we really can grasp his love for us we will be completely affirmed and validated and not need that from anyone else

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, so that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

Song lyrics

Emotions are easier to get out in song. Luckily someone wrote this one a long time ago, and David Crowder with an unspoken helper brought it to my Ipod.
I want this to be my song. To be my desire - not just to sing prettily, but to emotionally feel in the depths of my heart.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet...

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh,
till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,Seal it for Thy courts above.

answer given

So realizing that my blogging was reaching more of the journal level instead of the possibly read by random people on the internet level, after my last post I turned to my Bible and hit my knees. There the Holy Spirit gave me my answer. The funny thing is that this is something that I've been dancing around recently. I've listened to two sermons on this very subject in the past couple weeks and both times thought, "that is good stuff". But neither time did I make the connection that this is what God was yelling to me. and then, becuase God knows what I need and He pays such attention to detail, He gave Kristi this exact same answer. Hearing the holy spirit and a best friend tell you the same thing is hardly something you can ignore. So after much blahblah - here it is:
For the past two years, well really for my whole life, just concentrated during this past two years, I have been learning about God. I started out with the basic Bible stories that they teach you in 9 years of Catholic school, and recently have really started to believe God about some serious truth's:
1. He loves me and forgives me! He paid my price for me. We by nature were so opposite of Him, but He gave up His life so that I can talk to Him. I can never deserve His love, but I can also never do anything to lose it. Amazing.
2. I can trust Him to lead me where He wants me. And I can trust that His plans are ridiclously beyond anything I could have come up with. I wanted Mexico and He sent me to Cambodia!
3. He pursued me and planned my life to bring me to Him.

Just realized that 1 and 2 are basically 2 truths that we teach elementary school kids at Buckhead. Those are hard truths to really get into your soul, though. Anyways.

I have cultivated a great intellectual relationship with Him. I have habits of spending time with Him daily that I look forward too. I can make lists of His characteristics.

But Wed night the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my EMOTIONAL relationship with Him is lacking! The most important part! And better than that, there's nothing I can do about it! I can't make a step by step plan to fall in love with God anymore than I can make a step by step plan to fall in love with a man.
God is calling me to turn this over to Him. He wants my heart. He wants my soul. Way beyond feeling like I should pray, or read my Bible, or go to church, He calls me to YEARN for Him. To crave Him. To recognize the characteristics of His that are so worthy of love.
Like David said:
O God you are my God, earnestly I seek you. My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Psalm 63: 1

I'm asking the Holy Spirit to melt my heart and turn my mind away from learning. To focus me on the countless praise-worthy aspects of God. I want to look forward to meeting Him even more than any human. To truly come to know in the deepest part of me that love like there is between us is greater than any earthly love.

What is it?

So since I've moved here, I've felt a little out of touch. I feel like there's something right outside my grasp that is so important for me to get. I can feel my mind and my heart distracting me from this, but I can't make the break through. I feel like God is yelling something at me and I'm just saying do you hear something? Then there's the feeling that I have to do more - I must be messing something up - not doing enough to get close to God. But looking at it objectively, I have been diligent about my quiet time. I have been listening to sermons on my ipod (2 today!) Almost all of the music I've been listening to is worship. So my head says, check, check, check. Done plenty. I must be imagining this slight noise.
But the Holy Spirit inside me says keep digging!
"How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?" Gal 3:3
So God, what is it? What do you want me to hear? To learn and know?
I've been praying, please take my heart! Take it out of my hands and wrap me in Your arms! I truly believe that God knows best for my life.
I feel like every Sunday I'm disappointed in myself again. Saying this week I'll do better. Do better with what?? I know there's something there! The todo list is checked off, so it must be something less tangible. Less quanifiable. Somewhere my heart is not making the connection.
God please be clear with me! Yell louder! Lord please don't let me miss this!